You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
