My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
