My cat gives me a boner
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
