Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
