I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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