Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
