Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
