Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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