matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
