dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
