I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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