eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
