it was like eating out sand paper
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
