Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
