It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
