Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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