girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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