Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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