Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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