My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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