I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
