she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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