so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
