She said her name was "party"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
