I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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