Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
