Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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