you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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