if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
