It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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