dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
