Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
