Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Randomize
