Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
