Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
