my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
