i wish my penis had a tongue
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I understand Curling. That high.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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