It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
