i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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