My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
