I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
