It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
