whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So many bounce houses so little time
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
