you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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