do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
