a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
