my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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