I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
