Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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