Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
