I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
