dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
